FISH DEATH IN SKOGSDAMMEN
FISH DEATH IN SKOGSDAMMEN
Journalist: Martin Hansebråten
Photographer: Tuva Hebnes
Translator: Knut Sørbø
Web-distributor: Martha Ingeborg Evensen
In a fairytale realm, between Eika and the Studentsamfunnet, a stream runs into Skogsdammen, but what lies beneath the ice is a story that will make you wonder if fish can be more than just voracious creatures. Here was a mass grave of dead fish, and on top of the December ice lie large pike.
What happened here, you wonder? A question that not only draws attention to nature’s grim choreography, but also challenges confidence in “PB,” the mysterious management authority. Was it really right to give something as important as hunting and fishing rights to the association?
Tuntréet, never afraid to dive deep into the wet cases, held an exclusive interview with a pike survivor. He answered “Blubbblubb,” to all questions; a kind of strange philosophy that suggests it might be better to swim in the incomprehensible. Truly words to live by.
Professor Hans-Christan Teien explains in an interview published on the NMBU website that the fish deaths are due to a lack of oxygen in the water. This is due to the decomposition of algae and leaves, while the ice stops new oxygen supply. Fish such as pike and perch cannot tolerate a low oxygen environment, which has led to this situation.
However, there is an alternative explanation for this. An anonymous source in the board of UKA i Ås, whom Tuntréet has chosen to call Alberto (this is not his real name), paints a completely different picture of the situation. He explains that this was a deliberate action by PB to increase revenue on the pond. The plan is to wipe out all the fish in the pond and start salmon farming. Since it is inland water, PB will be able to avoid the resource rent tax set by the government. Alberto, the anonymous source, claims that he was recruited as the fish’s ‘Deep Throat’ to reveal PB’s secret plans.
Like Ola Borten Moe, PB (Perplexing Bureaucrats) seems to have a mysterious affair going on; an affair that smells strongly of self-enrichment. PB keeps their inner life a closely guarded secret, with minimal access and doors as tight as a bank vault. It’s hard to say what Nazi superweapons and air castles are hiding behind these doors. But things are as certain as poaching with nets. There have been lots of dead fish. Ås smelled like rakfisk for two days, and Tuntréet was beaten by one and a half months on the case by NMBU. Thus, the case became a shitpost (ed. note. The editor -in-chief does not agree with this story, and considers it opinionated, but will go to the death for the journalist’s right to write it).
PB has been asked to respond to the statements. The response will appear on the next page.
PIKE DEATH!!
Translator: Amalie Pedersen Brønmo
Subsidiary translator: Martin Hansebråten
Photographer: Ben Børilden
On behalph oph the Pspecial Committee who is responsible phor the keeping and all other more or less essential Aspects oph the Management and developing Processes regarding Pskogsdammen, Gnr 42 / Bnr 1 in Ås kommune, we will psay that we regard the Matters oph the dying Pikes as very grave. Death is not to prepher over Liphe. At the psame time it is a Comphort that it in this Case aphphects the Pike.
The X-Clusive Stiftelse PB has psince the Handover made it clear that we will open up phor Phish Pharming in Pskogsdammen in Collaboration with Norways biggest Aquaculture Company, measured in Mountain Dollars. This is because we wish to give new Liphe back to Pskogsdammen and because Casseuren has psolid diplomatic Connections in Vietnam which we want to use phor prophit in the coming Years.
In light oph todays pstock Market compared to the Inphlation and Readjustments according to Beer Prices in Samfunnet, we can clearly psee a Tendency. Pike Pharming is not on the top 10 List oph Phish Parming Companies in Norway. It is not even on on the top 100 List and we are questening wether there are any x-isting Pike Pharms in this country at all! This is a problem. Pikes could be pseen as an unatractive pharming Object, and in many Cases a direct Threat to other uses oph pskogsdammen, as Pswimming, Psmoking and Phishing.
Despite all the Darkness this Psituation have brought to «Ås kommunes Venner», Stiftelsen are happy to conphirm that the Death oph the Pikes gives another Man Bread. In this Case it means that we now have the Oppotunity to release more psoughtaphter Phish which will generate a greater Prophit and bring Joy to all the pstudents. This pspring, Stiftelsen has great Plans oph going to Målselv to bring psalmon psouth to Pskogsdammen. This will create a psolid Ground phor Pharming while also ensuring good Chances oph Angling and all the other Uses oph the People oph Agrarmetropolen.
Iph any oph the Readers oph Tuntréet wish to acquire a Hunting or Phishing License phor Pskogsdammen, contact us via Carrier Pigeon or Telephone. (Editors note. Tuntrèet does not encourage anyone to buy a fishing license at all)
X-Clusive Regards phrom The Pspecial Committee phor the Wellbeing oph Pskogsdammen
Contactinphormation: Carrier Pidgeon: CarrierPidgeon.PB@gmail.com Telephone: 98118359 Account: 0530 43 09670
Hunting Licences are paid phor with Tobacco or Liquor!!
PPS. The Pspecial Committe phor the Wellbeing oph Pskogsdammen must make it clear that we in no Way, Pshape, or Phorm have contributed to these Deaths!!
